“Mom, would you just stop trying to fix everything?”

My daughter’s words are still ringing in my ears almost twenty-four hours after our little communication glitch last night.

Looking back and reflecting on the evening, the past month, okay, her whole life, she is absolutely right… I love to fix things. Or maybe it is more that I don’t want to see her, or any of my children, family, friends, in pain. If there is a fix, a word, an encouragement, anything I can do… I am there.

Now as admirable as I may think this quality is, it obviously is gratingly irritating, like the nails on a chalkboard to those in my life. The problem with being a fixer is that you never allow anyone to fix it themselves, thus robbing them of valuable lessons that life will teach them.

As a parent we hate to see our loved ones learn these lessons in life because unfortunately, many times, learning these valuable lessons on how to become a responsible, accountable, contributing individual to the world as a whole comes with a little bit of pain. Just as training a muscle to lift or work in a certain fashion, the payment of pain reaps the benefit of ability.

Ability to what? Well, the ability to do many things, but mainly, most importantly, the ability to do what is right.

How do we decide what is right?

The best source for guidance is the Word.

Which things from the Word should we apply?

All things should be applied, but in my humble opinion, those things that are repeated are done so for a specific purpose. They are repeated to draw our attention to them, to make sure we don’t miss them somehow, to let us know that this one thing, this thing that I am repeating, is one of the important ones. If you don’t do anything else, pay attention to this and apply it to your life.

Out of all things in the Word, the one thing that sticks out to me is the simplest of phrases and the most difficult of tasks…

Love your neighbor as yourself.

These five words are found repeatedly in the Scripture… take a look:

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19:18)

Jesus replied, Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 19:19)

This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:38-39)

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31)

To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices. (Mark 12:33)

He answered: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself. (Luke 10:27)

The commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not murder, Do not steal, Do not covet, and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Romans 13:9)

The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Galatians 5:14)

If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, Love your neighbor as yourself, you are doing right. (James 2:8)

In our current culture we have put an emphasis on the second part of this commandment, love yourself. While there is nothing wrong with this, and loving ourselves is essential, it is also imperative that we understand that we are commanded to love our neighbors as well.  In the process of loving ourselves, we seem to forget that factor, or find excuses for our poor behavior when it comes to relating to others. 

As I have attempted to “fix” yet another one of my children’s crises, I come to the realization that we are missing the mark completely.

See we are not being told to love ourselves, and then to love other people.

We are not being told to love other people, and then love ourselves.

The word AND is a conjunction that would link to separate thoughts… but that is not what God is doing here. This is one cohesive thought, one action, that we are supposed to be living.

We are supposed to be loving our neighbors as we love ourselves.

Perhaps it is easier to comprehend as the Golden Rule… Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

See, if we do not like the way a person is behaving, we are not to try and correct their behavior, but instead treat them the way we would want to be treated in the same situation.

Let’s try some practical examples:

Do you like people talking about you? Then don’t talk about others.

Do you like people making fun of you? Then don’t make fun of others.

Do you like people lying to you, or telling you something just to get you to leave them alone? Don’t do it… tell the truth, be honest with others about your intentions.

What about that someone stealing that parking space you are obviously waiting for or being cut off in traffic. Do you like it when it happens to you? If not, then don’t do it to other people.

How about the server at that restaurant, coffee bar, or toll plaza, do you stop and take just a minute to say hello, or smile at them? How would you like to be the person in the toll booth or waiting on a table, exhausted, and unappreciated?

Walking into a building, do you stop to hold the door open for someone? What if you were the person on crutches, carrying packages, trying to round up your kids and the door was just allowed to slam on you? Doesn’t feel good, does it?

It took me a long, and I mean long time, to stop and take pause, and to put myself into the others person shoes. If I am making fun of someone, I stop to think how I would feel if I was that person. If I am talking about someone, I stop to think would I like it if the tables were reversed.  I try to think how I would feel if I was on the opposite side of the situation, and then many times, I find myself seeking forgiveness.

See we are commanded to treat people the way we want to be treated… not the way we have been treated, but the way we want to be treated. This means they probably have not treated you that way yet, and regardless, you are still supposed to do the right thing and treat them the way you want to be treated yourself.

Hold that door.

Smile at that server.

Pay for that dinner.

Stop the gossip.

Be a friend.

Perhaps Isaiah 33:15 sums it up the best:

The answer’s simple: Live right, speak the truth, despise exploitation, refuse bribes, reject violence, avoid evil amusements. This is how you raise your standard of living! A safe and stable way to live. A nourishing, satisfying way to live.

A nourishing, satisfying way to live.  Isn’t that what we all want? To be nourished, satisfied?

Perhaps that is why I am a fixer, because I want to bestow upon those I love the nourishment of Christ and His complete satisfaction… only problem is that I cannot give them what Christ is offering, only lead by example, and then lead them to the better way to live.

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The season is over. Easter, Lent, and Passover have passed.  It has been a strange season for me, as I struggle with my father’s terminal illness, and reminisce with friends and loved ones who have also experienced loss this season.

It is strange how we view death. We, as humans consider it to be the end of something. Death symbolizes loss and grief, and we look back on what we have had, or what we have missed during that persons’ time with us.

It is a hard time, but mainly because we are not considering what has passed, but instead where we have failed to meet our own personal expectations in that persons’ life before it passed. We all too often contemplate what else we could have said to them, how else we could have helped them; wishing for another chance to say we love them, or to hug them, and let them know how integral they are to our lives.

As I think back on my own life, I recall the death of my grandparents.  My grandmother died when I was in fourth grade, and I remember not being allowed to say goodbye to her, or let her know I love her. I was only a child and my dad didn’t want my last memory of his mom to be one of her with tubes in her, struggling for breath as she fought the pneumonia that eventually took her life.

My grandfather died when I was in eleventh grade. This death I regret the most. Somewhere I learned not to take that last step. It wasn’t that I was afraid of him, or his suffering; I had spent years helping him clean the skin cancer that was consuming him. I was afraid of me… I was afraid of having to let go and say that last goodbye to a man who fed into my life more than any other person I know. To this day, my heart breaks when I think of him, and the relationship that has passed on.  Yet, while the tears flow, I am happy that he is seated in heaven with God, and one day I will be able to see him again.

Now, I am facing the death of my dad.  Just a few short months ago he finally chose to retire at the age of 78. He was happy and looking forward to moving into his new home with my stepmom, and ready to enjoy the rest of his life. A few weeks after he retired, something was wrong. He was not communicating effectively, and not understanding what people were saying to him. After a few weeks the doctors discovered brain cancer.  He has undergone surgery, and is in the middle of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, but it is not working. He has been prayed for by numerous people all over the country, by his church, by his family… and still no improvement.

For a moment, after he was prayed for; we did receive a miracle. For a moment, he was our father again, able to speak love to us, able to identify us and share memories… then he was taken away again. The man that is here today is just a glimpse of who my father was, and each day I pray that God would take him home, and he would find peace that passes all understanding.

As I have contemplated death these past few weeks and how it has effected my life, I recall the one death that has made more impact on me than any other; the death of Christ.  Beaten beyond recognition, forced to carry a cross with a body that was exhausted from pain and agony, watching each step with eyes that are stinging from the blood pouring from his forehead… He still, willingly, took each step towards the death that was imminent from the beginning of the world.

Prior to His death, Jesus did some miraculous things. He loved a man, cared for, clothed, fed, and fed into this man that He knew would betray Him in the end.  He healed a soldier that came to lead Him to his death. He loved those who cursed Him, cried out for those who yearned for His death, showed compassion to a thief who was crucified next to him, and cared about the other thief who screamed for His death.

In my personal experiences with death, the person I have loved has disappeared in their last hours, unable to share their love, their compassion, their kindness with me one last time. In His death, Jesus showed His love, compassion, and forgiveness through to His last breath as He took on our sin, and His Father turned His back on His only son.

I asked my Sunday school class the other day, what is it that we can ever go through that Jesus hasn’t?  He has experienced the betrayal of friends and strangers, has been denied by his closest friends, experienced rejection, felt pain and despair. Jesus has faced it all and provided an example for us how to move forward in mercy and grace.

As a child who has lost the only real parents she knew (my grandparents), and is losing her father, I owe it to my family and friends to share the identity of love that was revealed to me during their lives. My grandmother taught me to serve willingly, work heartily, and to be strong; regardless of your circumstance. My grandfather taught me to be peaceful and seek God in the moments of my life.  My dad has taught me to find joy where you can, and to recognize the gifts God has given others.

More important than anything my earthly family has taught me, my spiritual one has taught me to carry on with Jesus’ legacy of love and compassion to a dying world.

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Recently I had the opportunity to revisit my past. While journeying back through my memories, I realized this one portion of my life is one that I never really speak about in great detail. It is a portion of my life that I have had the most regrets and feelings of failure about. It was when I first became a Christian.

My childhood had been riddled with abuses of all kinds and my altar call was a cry for deliverance. I thought I understood what I was doing but I realize that I was crying out for help, and since the other paths I had dabbled in proved fruitless, I was trying Christianity out to see if just maybe God would have something better to offer me. I was in distress… I cried out for help… and God answered…

Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets; end up on a deathbed of regrets. ~ II Corinthians 7:10

At first my salvation really meant nothing to me. I didn’t understand what I had gotten myself into, and certainly my circumstances had not changed. In fact they became much worse before even a glimpse of hope entered my horizon. The hope for me began in high school with a group called Young Life. From there I found my way to a youth group at an Assembly of God church that was on fire for God.

The main thing I remember about both of these groups is the love and joy the participants had. The other thing I remember was the feeling that I stuck out like a sore thumb… my past made me different, and I had no idea how to reconcile myself to God and come out of the pain and trauma of my youth.

While outwardly I may have appeared to have it all together, internally I was a mess. I fought feelings of depression, anger and bitterness. A few close friends would witness the outbursts of my erratic behavior, and I would find a place to lay blame, an excuse to leave, anything that I could do to pull myself under control. In my early twenties I found my ultimate excuse… the man I was supposed to marry.

In my pursuit of this relationship, a promise I felt I deserved from God…I destroyed many friendships, caused a lot of pain, and walked away from the circle of friends and fellowship that God had placed in my life.

My exit from Baltimore is one that I have pondered and prayed over many times. During my marriage, when Mark and I were experiencing great success in our business, I wanted to go back and show everyone…show them that I knew I was right, and this was the man for me. My pride, my arrogance, and my need to prove that I could succeed despite my past drove me away from the throne of God.

It amazes me how my life has come full circle twice. First in the world, as the remainder of my marriage was just a rebirth of my youth; riddled with abuse, affairs, addictions, and void of God. Eventually the distresses and my marriage at its bitter end drove me back to the place I fled from in my twenties. Fifteen years later, I found myself back at God’s altar, in distress and in need of His salvation.

And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you-that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That’s what happened-and we felt just great. ~II Corinthians 7:11-12

This time it took. God broke me over and over again to bring to the place that I am more sensitive, reverent, human, passionate, and responsible. But in all that, I still had a void… a feeling of unfinished reconciliation with the friends of my past.

The lesson I learned this week is that some bonds (chains) are not meant to be broken.

The irony is that it is not the chains we think.

I clung so hard to the chains of the world thinking that if I let them surround my heart no one and nothing would ever cause me pain again. What I didn’t realize is that each hurt, each failure, each disappointment only added another link to this already unbearable burden surrounding my heart.

The chains of this world seem so heavy to us and they begin to wear us down to places we never dreamed or expected to be in our lives. I learned that God can break those chains. He can take your burden and provide you with “…rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.” (Matthew 11:29, AMP)

In their place I have allowed God to build another form of armor around my heart. This time it is His armor, an armor that is compiled of unbreakable bonds. Besides restoring my relationship with Him so many years ago, this week God has begun to restore the relationships of my past. He has allowed me to find forgiveness and reconciliation, and with each restoration my armor is made stronger and stronger as I praise God for all He has done for me.

Thank you God for revealing to me the power of the unbreakable bond.

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Has it happened to you? It’s happened to me; more times than I care to count. I have been judged unjustly.

Recently a friend told me that people judge you because they don’t know who you are.  Well, of course that’s true.  Let’s think about it, if they knew me, and understood me, then they would not have a real reason to judge me, right?

To judge is to form an opinion on, to decide upon critically.  Other definitions are just as foreboding, to infer, to think, to make a guess about.  None of these speak of absolute truth, nor do any of these definitions imply anything in a positive form. 

To judge someone is to simply come to your own conclusions about a person, or even a thing, without taking the time to learn about the person, and in a negative way. 

Think about it…have you ever heard someone judge someone in a positive way? To think the better of the person, no matter what?  Not usually. 

Last week, we discussed Mary Magdalene and the casting of the stones. Jesus was called into to judge a brief glimpse of her situation, her life…to cast upon her something that could stick for a very long time. The Scripture is very clear that they were trying to trap Jesus into saying something about her; into saying something that could be held against the both of them. 

Jesus’ reply? 

“If any of you has never sinned, then go ahead and throw the first stone at her.”

(John 8:7, CEV)

 What would you do in that situation? Would you cast the stone?

Let’s ask it this way…when someone comes up to you and starts to speak negatively of someone else, do you jump on board? Do you gossip? Are you critical of others?  Do you have someone that you like or think is an okay person that others don’t like, so you decide not to like them, just to fit in? Do you look at people with tattoos, piercings, different hair styles, alternate clothing options, and cast an opinion?

All of these are forms of judgment, and each time we jump into one of these situations – we are casting the first stone.

So, what do we do?

The first thing I would suggest is to stop and think. Think about a time when someone spoke an untruth into your life, and how much that hurt. Think about the unfair stone of judgment that has been cast in your direction.

I remember a few years ago I went to an outreach at a teen center. Looking like a soccer mom (for lack of better terms), the girls wanted nothing to do with me, or the other people that were there to serve.  About an hour in one of them spotted the tattoo on my ankle and said something about it.

I was praying the bleachers would swallow me whole…darn it, I forgot to cover it up…this outreach didn’t like us to be to edgy, to be too much like the world.

Granted that tattoo was from years ago, during a different time of my life…and if I had the money to remove it (and the others), I probably would.  Most of the time I forget I even have them, until someone reminds me; and this was one of those times.

So I cringed, and then another girl noticed, and another…and suddenly…I was cool. Okay, I wasn’t cool, but I was approachable, and I was someone who could relate just a little bit better to them.  I left that day really able to speak with a few of them.  I shared my testimony with them a few weeks later, and I was a credible witness to them…because my tattoo opened the door.

Could it be that we are to remember just a little bit of who we were to help those who are where we were?  I am not speaking of embracing old habits or life choices, but what about understanding them…admitting that we were once in the same pit of despair, or that we once felt the same way about a musician, a holiday, a fashion statement, tattoos, alcohol, sex…you name it, the list goes on. 

God’s kingdom isn’t a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness’ sake. It’s what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you’ll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.

 

So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault. You’re certainly not going to permit an argument over what is served or not served at supper to wreck God’s work among you, are you? I said it before and I’ll say it again: All food is good, but it can turn bad if you use it badly, if you use it to trip others up and send them sprawling. When you sit down to a meal, your primary concern should not be to feed your own face but to share the life of Jesus. So be sensitive and courteous to the others who are eating. Don’t eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love. (Romans 14:18-20, MSG)

Our walk here on earth is not about us, it’s about sharing the love of Christ with others.

I believe Mary Magdalene reached out to other women she knew, and shared her story. I believe she did not cast the stone of judgment on others, because she remembered what it felt like to have judgment come her way.

As Christians, we need to help each other with encouraging words.

See something you think a brother or sister in Christ doing that you feel is wrong? Talk to them…take a minute to understand it, or to at least open the door of communication. If they are wrong, your willingness to approach them in love could open the door, because you care and are reaching out to them to understand instead of standing away from them and casting the stone.

All of us have things that God has delivered us from.  All of us have things that God is working with us on. We need to remember that, and allow God to work through each of us, and love each other completely as He does.

Has it happened to you? It has happened to me? I have been loved by a God who doesn’t see me for who I was, or even who I still am, but sees me for who I can be…Thank you God for accepting me!

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Things are calm for today. Just a little over a week ago email campaigns were flying trying to urge us to vote for one candidate or another. Bloggers were stating their views and hearts with anyone who would read, and unfortunately a lot of missteps were taken. Some of us acted out of emotion, some fear, some elation…but most of us acted out of our perception.

All too often we are quick to criticize or judge individuals against some crazy set of guidelines we have created. If that person doesn’t meet our expectations, we write them off, and move on with our lives, or we openly judge them and try to sway others to our point of view.

I remember when I finally mustered up the courage to go back to church after I had separated from my first husband.  We had been separated for well over a year, and had even attempted a reconciliation. Somewhere in my confusion and realization that I could not do this walk in life alone, I made my way to church.

I was nervous walking in…would people be able to read my sin on me? Would they accept me, or would I be shunned? I felt like Mary Magdalene with every part of my being on display for their approval or refusal.  The hospitality staff was pleasant enough and helped me find the children’s church. As we were walking back to the sanctuary the question came up about where my husband was.  I simply stated that we were separated.

“Oh, we are so sorry.”

“I’m not.”

Their stares felt like the first stone being hurled my direction. Not that I blame them, or even hold any contempt for their actions, it is the stigma of the church…don’t get divorced…and they were reacting within their value systems.

What they didn’t know is what I had been through. Had we had the time, I could have explained my continued heartache of numerous affairs, my fear of the constant abuses, my bout with cancer, and the pain in my children’s hearts…but there was no time, just the few short seconds to cast the first stone of judgment.

I walked into the sanctuary feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Ashamed of the path my life had taken. Years earlier I left a church because close friends told me to be careful with this marriage, to pray about it more, wait a little longer…they were right.  Embarrassed by my actions and my tongue – what must they think of me?  Oh well, here it goes…another long sermon…another day of feeling so unworthy, so unloved.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults- unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor. (Matthew 7:1, AMP)

God met me that day in the sanctuary. The pastor stepped out of his sermon for a moment and addressed the divorced and separated of the church, admonished the congregation not to judge them for they had no understanding of the pain and devastation so many of us were experiencing. He admonished those of us in the situation to be at peace, to love, and to understand that God could meet us in our pain.

Leaving that day I felt like Mary Magdalene…

Jesus stood up and asked her, “Where is everyone? Isn’t there anyone left to accuse you?” 

“No sir,” the woman answered.

“I am not going to accuse you either. You may go now, but don’t sin anymore.” (John 8:10-11, CEV)

We need to be careful not to judge others, because we do not understand their pain, their suffering, their reasoning. More importantly, we do not understand their calling or purpose in the kingdom, and our very actions could cause them to walk away from the one thing God has called them to do.

In the case of Mary Magdalene, she was the first to witness the resurrection of Christ.  Had Christ not been there to love her and not judge her that one fateful day, she may have missed her calling…her purpose.

Jesus was quick to remind us to take a moment and try to walk in someone else’s shoes for just a second, try to see where they are coming from…but most importantly, see where we are coming from. We need to look at our own hearts first and realize the motives behind our criticism, our judging, our discontent with others. We need to be reminded, just as the people who wanted to stone Mary Magdalene were that we are all guilty of sin, and we all don’t deserve God’s grace.

But grace is freely given. God’s grace met me at church and spoke through my pastor… God’s grace allowed me to run home in the arms of a Father that I had missed, and failed miserably. God’s grace let me feel His love again in my life, and reminded me of just where I had walked, and where I now stood.  God’s grace brought purpose to my life…hope to my heart…joy to my soul.

Stand in His grace today and love others for who they are called to be!

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“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight…” (Psalm 19:14)

It’s all about the words that we say, all about the words that are written on our heart. Do we really say what we mean, or are we going for the thrill of the moment, the self-indulgence of our flesh…

Last night, I missed the mark. While at an outing with my husband someone referred to me as Ms. Brown, and I quickly corrected them, stating it was Mrs. Brown. Since we were friends, there was some laughter and teasing, and I lost sight of my actions (or my words), and said, “Just call me Dawn.”

At the moment, I thought it was quite funny, and got the jolt of excitement from making others laugh.

This morning my husband explained his embarrassment and pain to me. With my opening remark he stated he couldn’t be prouder, I was aligning myself with him…only to quickly break his heart by removing my alliance and dropping his name completely.

At first when he spoke to me about it, I thought it really didn’t seem like a huge deal…BUT…

I have learned that even if the smallest of comments meant no offense, if the person was offended, then I am wrong.

If I am going for the laugh at the expense of someone else, then I am wrong.

The smallest, most insignificant comments can hurt the most. Case in point – last night, my words hurt my husband, and spoke something into our relationship that I can only apologize for, and seek his forgiveness.

As I write this I think about Psalm 19:14 and I have to wonder, how significant did God find my words last night? Were they acceptable in His sight?

“Words kill; words give life; their either poison or fruit – you choose.”
(Proverbs 18:21)

Granted when I was making my remark, I wasn’t looking to choose a poisonous fruit or kill anyone…

Then again, I have to think about all the little side comments that have been said at my expense, and how many times they have broken off pieces of my heart…

What is poisonous fruit? What about murmuring, complaining, teasing and sarcasm, judging others, gossip, lying?

The list goes on and on. It is funny how as a society, we find the little white lie okay, it is the big lies that cause trouble. Or how we feel it is okay to discuss someone else or their issues, criticizing or judging them…without knowing the full story.

Let’s be honest, how many of us have had someone think something about us, that just was not true… and had they only asked, well…

Trust me; I am no saint in this department. I struggle with my words daily…

So, what do we do?

There is a television show called The Stranger; that retells stories of the Bible in current day settings. Jesus is the stranger that finds himself in the middle of the storyline each week. The stories are from Mary and Martha, to the prodigal son, and so on. The one thing that I am always fascinated by is the way the character of Jesus interacts with the other characters on the show.

The way He communicated speaks such love, such understanding…no condemnation, no matter what was said, there was patience, there was peace. It was as if the person was exposed fully, and was still loved for everything they were at that moment and everything they had the potential of being.

Love is about our communication with other people. I am learning that I need to communicate love, respect, peace, admiration, acceptance, positivity, and so many other things into the people around me. I am learning to hold my tongue, and to be patient with my words, ensuring that each word that leaves my mouth is capable of producing fruit, and not swallowing someone else up. I am learning that I want to be more like Jesus…a person whose words can change the life of many because of the power that lies in our ability to communicate effectively.

So to my husband, I am sorry for my words last night… I realize that our communication about each other and to each other is a display of our love, for all the world to see…I love you and I am sorry.

To God, please help me to communicate my words of Your love to a world around me. Help the words that leave my mouth be acceptable to You, and capable of Your life bearing fruit.

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Today my youngest is celebrating his 10^th birthday. It is hard to believe that it has been ten years since I felt the wonder and the anticipation of giving birth. I remember the hardest part of any of my three pregnancies was always the last few weeks. Not because I was gaining weight, and feeling more and more uncomfortable. Not because of the false labor pains, backaches, or frequent restroom breaks, but because of one word – EXPECTATION.

I remember those last few weeks just wanting to see my children so badly. More than anything else I can remember constantly saying, “I want to know what they look like.”

 

It was more than a desire, more than a wish, more than any craving or want. I could taste it, I wanted it so badly.  It consumed me those last few weeks, and grew greater with each passing moment as we came closer to the delivery.

Even after each delivery, I couldn’t wait to see them, to be able to identify them, not by their name, but by their appearance on the outside. As they are continuing to grow, I can now begin to identify them by their inward qualities; their attitudes and behaviors, likes and dislikes; or even the sound of their voice. Simply put, I now am identifying them by their identity.

In Romans 8:19, we are told that “creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.” (NIV)

Truthfully, I never really understood that verse, not fully, until I started to ponder on it today.  Creation is craving something; similar to a mom expecting her child, creation is waiting, wanting more.

Creation, mankind, wants to know who Jesus is. It wants to understand love beyond measure, love that is unexplainable.  It wants to be able to recognize the face of Jesus.

So how does that come about? 

I believe it starts with us, the Christian. What are we doing to show our own identity in Christ? Are people we interact with able to identify us by our inward qualities? Do we know who we are in Jesus?

I was listening to a song this morning by Israel Houghton called “I Know Who I Am”. The words are simple, but true…

I was running and You found me

I was blind and You gave me sight

You put a song of praise in me

 

I was broken and You healed me

I was dying and You gave me life

Lord You are my identity

 

I am forgiven, I am Your friend, I am accepted, I know who I am

I am secure, I am confident, I know I am loved, I know who I am

I am alive, I am set free, I belong to You, and You belong to me

 

 

I know who I am – I know who I am

I know who I am – I am Yours and You are mine

Jesus, You are mine

 

As I listened to the song this morning, I thought about who I was in Christ. Do I walk around with my head held high because I know what God has redeemed me from? Do I remember the things He has brought me through? I am thankful for where I am today, versus where I was just 10 years ago?

Yes, ten years ago, I gave birth to Matthew, my son. He is a gift to me from God, but at that moment, when I delivered him, I had no idea who I was. I walked through some very dark moments of my life the few years following his birth, moments I cannot say that I am proud of, moments that God saved me from.

I was running for a period of time in my life…running from the person I knew I could be, simply because I was afraid.  I was blind to the things all around me, the lights of Jesus that were shining so brightly in my life.  I was broken, depressed, ready to give up, and I was dying spiritually, physically, and mentally…I was waiting in expectation for God to be revealed to me.

God did reveal Himself to me through his ‘sons’. He strategically placed some very influential individuals in my life; individuals that showed me the love of God and helped me secure my identity in Him.

That is my goal today, to be an individual that can is ready to answer the call for another lost soul who is waiting in expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.

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It’s late at night and the cries come out from my daughter’s bedroom.  I rush to help her, to take her in my arms and let her know everything is okay, mom is here.

One would think that my daughter is a baby, looking for a parent to care for her needs.  But in this instance she is 13, and still searching for someone to help her.  While she is able to communicate with words, she cannot find words to express what is going on inside of her.

She is at that stage where everything is just so confusing. In this instance, I distinctly remember her saying that she felt as if she was in a fog, and no one could find her there.

While I could trump a lot of this to being a teenager, let’s be honest, there are times that I at age 41 still feel like I am in a fog, and no one can reach me.

Times when my heart was breaking or I was struggling with a health issue. Times when a loved one is disappointing, or when you feel helpless to help. There are times of joy and times of pain.  Times of our lives just seem to be so confusing.

In I Corinthians 13 we are told, “We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!” (vs. 12, Message)

Fog is when the clouds are lying to close to the earth’s surface. I remember while living in the Blue Ridge Mountains there were mornings that I could not see but a few feet in front of me; the clouds were hovering so close to the earth; but then the sun would shine through and burn off the remnants of moisture all around us. Then I could see clearly again.

It is the same in our lives. Sometimes the situations we are facing are hovering on our hearts, and we just cannot see clearly. We are consumed with trying to fight our way out of the fog, and become overwhelmed because we get turned around, and can’t see where we are going.

But if we would only just wait.

Wait for the Son to shine His light into the situation…then the fog will dissipate, and we will see things clearly and in a new light.

The craziest thing I noticed about fog is that I never noticed it evaporating.  All of a sudden it was just not there anymore.  It is the same with the things that cloud our minds and our hearts, if we wait patiently on God, that thing that is confusing us will just evaporate without any notice.

That night with my daughter, I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. I could tell her everything would be okay and that I loved her, but at that moment the fog was still too thick for her to see anything clearly. She wouldn’t believe me if I told her the sun would shine again in her life, and all this would be a faded memory.

Instead, I needed to wait with her, be patient with her, and teach her to wait on God for the answer. I needed to be the same parent I was when she was just a baby, pouring all my love, trust and hopes into her.  I needed to live out the next verse in I Corinthians, “But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” (13:13, Message)

So next time you or a loved one are in a fog, first remember to wait patiently. Even the fog has a purpose.

Trust unwaveringly that the fog will evaporate.

Hope for a new tomorrow, and that the sun will soon shine again.

Love. Love God. Love each other, and love yourself.  Hold onto each other as a parent holds onto their child, and pour the love of God into each other. It is through love that we allow the Son to shine through.

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It is a familiar scene in all of our lives. We are sitting down for a meal with good friends, friends that may be closer to us than our own families.  During dinner, and afterwards friendly, love-filled banter pours out.

Suddenly the question is asked that grabs everyone’s attention.

“Do you love me?”

All eyes and ears turn to see the response, because deep down inside all of us, we yearn for love, we seek to be loved, and we want to others.

In this example, the family that is eating is Jesus and His disciples. Christ has died on the cross and has resurrected, and He is sharing one last meal with His kingdom family. (John 21:15-17)

Jesus is speaking to Peter, and simply asks him, “Do you love me?”

Peter quickly replies, “Yes Lord, You know I love You.”

Christ issues a directive to Peter, and then asks him again, “Do you love me?”

At this point, I believe Peter considers the interchange to still be friendly banter between him and the Lord.  It is not until the third time Christ asks Peter if He loves Him that the Scripture reveals that Peter becomes grieved.

Why would Peter be so upset? Not just upset, but grieved, deep sorrow that rips from our very innermost being.

Perhaps Peter is remembering his denial of Jesus, and how insistent he was that he would never deny Him. Surely, if Christ knew about that, then maybe Christ knew something about Peter that he had not realized yet, maybe Christ knew that Peter didn’t love him.  The fear that must have seized Peter at that moment must have been undeniably insurmountable.

But working through his fear, Peter once again answers “Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You.” 

Have you been there?

Have you been in the place where you knew you had failed God in an area of your life?

Have you prayed for forgiveness for the one zillionth time, just begging that this burden be removed from your back?

I believe that I am a Peter.

There are things in my life that I cling to, sins that I cannot believe that I have committed against my Lord.  Some are daily exchanges, where I have once again been critical of someone I shouldn’t have, or spoken negatively about something again. Other are dark sins that I don’t care to remind myself of, but sit in those places of my soul coming up when I least expect them.

Do I seek forgiveness?

Yes.

Do I receive God’s forgiveness?

Absolutely.

So what happened, because if God forgives me, why do the sins still resonate upon me? 

In Isaiah 61:3, we are told “and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…”  When we are grieved God seeks to repair us and restore us.

So what happened?

In my case, what happened is that I refused to let go of the sin. I refused to believe that God could forgive me for any of my sins, so I held onto them. This Scripture does not say that God will give us beauty for some of our ashes, but for all of them.  He will give us the oil of gladness for all of our mourning, and the garment of praise for all of our despair.

So, what now?

Now…I need to return to the table with Jesus, and allow Him to ask me…

“Do you love me?”

Yes Lord, You know I do.

Then give me your ashes… “Do you love me?”

Yes Lord, You know I do.

Then give me all the things you mourn about. Release your pain to me… “Do you love me?

Lord, You know everything. You know I love You.

Then let me empty the closet of your heart, and throw out all these garments that don’t fit you any longer.  Let me clothe you in a garment of praise, and a robe of righteousness.

I love you, and I want you to “Follow Me.”

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