Mom Fail #4,783

top2052

One of the things I’m struggling with these days is that now that all the kids are in school full time, I feel like I should totally have my shit together.

And I don’t.

I feel like I should be totally organized (I’m not), the house should be pretty clean (it isn’t), and I should have the meal preparation and planning down to a science (I don’t).

I’m still rushing, I’m still looking for crap for everyone, we are still sometimes eating the same thing for dinner three nights a week, and I’m messing things up left and right.

Back in August when the last kid got on the bus and I finally had some time to exhale, I was sure I’d be running the tightest goddamn ship this side of the Mississippi.

Ha!

Boy was I wrong.

So one of my problems is that when the first couple kids start rolling in from school, I’m not always available to them. I’m trying to get one more thing finished up here and one more thing done there, and the trouble starts.

I know this isn’t helping me, but I still continue to do it.

So it’s largely my own fault.

Today I have had the most productive and efficient morning I’ve had in a long time so that I can be present for the kids when they get home after school

Because goddammit, I am not going to have another afternoon like I did yesterday…

First, a little background.

Number 7 is on the winter swim team this year for the first time, but I didn’t get her a team suit because 1) I didn’t know if she’d actually make it through the whole season, 2) they are ridiculously expensive and 3) she is so small that the smallest size is still a little bit too big for her.

For the first time this year, the swim team is doing team pictures. Half the team was having them yesterday, and the other half will get them done next Monday. Of course, for the team pictures, you are supposed to wear your team suit. Number 4 and Number 5 each have a team suit, and then we have a third suit that is a hand-me-down from a friend and Number 4 uses that one as a back up.

So back to yesterday afternoon.

Number 7 is in kindergarten and she has a short day on Mondays, so she was home first.

Me: Number 7, today we have team pictures for the swim team.

Number 7: We do?

Me: Yes. You are going to wear Number 5’s team suit just for the picture.

Number 7: NO! MOM!!! IT DOESN’T FIT ME!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hysterical crying fit for Number 7 commences.

Number 3 and 4 get home.

Number 4: HI MOM!

Number 3: HI MOM!

Me: Hi — I have to finish something upstairs quickly. I’ll be right back.

Number 7:WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M NEVER SWIMMING AGAIN!

Number 4: What’s wrong with her?

Me: She doesn’t have a team suit. I’ll be down in a couple minutes. Maybe you can help Number 7 try on Number 5’s suit and convince her it’s not that big.

I run upstairs to send a quick email. One minute later, I hear loud thuds and possible dishes breaking from downstairs followed by Number 3 and 4 screaming at each other.

Me (running downstairs) :What’s going on down here???

Number 3 and 4 start to plead their cases, but I already can’t take it.

I tell Number 3 to unload the dishwasher, and I ban Number 4 who is protesting and Number 7 who is still bawling her brains out from being within 25 feet of Number 3.

I run back upstairs.

Number 4 manages to convince Number 7 to try on Number 5’s bathing suit.

The crying ceases for 47 seconds.

And then it resumes.

But at twice the previous volume.

Number 7: IT’S TOOOO BIIIIIGGGGGG!!! She gets onto the floor and gets into plank position. SEE MOM?!?!? When I do this, everyone can see my nipples! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

MOMMY!!!! EVERYONE IS GOING TO SEE MY NIPPLES WHEN I DO THIS!!!!!!!

Kill me now.

Me: I’m pretty sure the photographer isn’t going to ask you to do a plank for the picture.

Number 7: I’M NEVER GOING TO SWIM PRACTICE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU MOM!!!!!!

At this point it was almost time for Number 5 and 6 to get home, I still hadn’t showered, and I desperately needed to.

I hopped in the shower while Number 7 sat on my bed crying and mumbling about her nipples.

I took a three minute shower and threw on my clothes. I ran out to see what time it was and to see how long I had before I had to be on the look out for Number 6’s bus.

I ran into the mudroom, and he was sitting on the floor.

Me: Who got you off the bus?

Number 6: Number 4 did.

Whoops. Thank God for Number 4.

I ran into the bathroom to dry my hair before Number 5 got home.

I walked out of my bedroom just as she walked inside. Number 7 was trailing behind me, still convulsively crying.

Number 5 (glaring at Number 7): WHO’S SUIT IS THAT?

Fuck.

Me: Um… Yours?

Number 5: AAAAAAAHHH!!!! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYYY! NOW I CAN NEVER WEAR THAT SUIT AGAIN!!!!!

Me (in a tiny whisper):

why not?

Number 5: BECAUSE NOW IT HAS HER VAGINA GERMS ON IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!

So now Number 5 is crying hysterically, Number 7 is crying hysterically, Number 3 is complaining about having to clean up in the kitchen, Number 4 is complaining because she wants to make her lunch for the next day and I won’t let her go anywhere near Number 3 in the kitchen, and Number 6 is skipping around the house chanting Vagina germs! Vagina germs!

It was now 4:15, and we had to be at the pool in fifteen minutes. No one was ready, and everyone wanted to kill each other.

Oh. And it was my husband’s birthday yesterday, and I had made him a carrot cake so it would be waiting for him when he got home.

And through all the vagina germ and nipple crying, I forgot about the fucking cream cheese icing.

I threw some powdered sugar, butter, cream cheese, and vanilla in a bowl and started beating the shit out of it.

All the kids: EWWWW! WHY ARE YOU PUTTING CREAM CHEESE IN THERE??? GROSS, MOM!!!!

It was now 4:25. We had to be on the pool deck in five minutes.

Now they were all screaming, ‘MOM! THANKS SO MUCH MOM! THANKS FOR MAKING US LATE BECAUSE YOU HAD TO MAKE FROSTING! AND IT’S NOT EVEN GOOD! GOOD JOB, MOM!

It took every ounce of self control to not completely lose my shit.

The ran out to the car.

I slapped the icing on the cake and ran out after them.

We got to the pool seven minutes late.

Number 7 had that post-cry red nose. We all looked a little worse for wear.

Not exactly how I wanted the kids to look for their team pictures.

In the end, it didn’t matter. We didn’t even take the team picture.

Because Number 4, 5 and 7’s team picture day isn’t until next Monday.

Just in case you think you’re the only one fucking up…

You’re not. ?

5 Comments

  1. British American

    Ahhhh, this made me laugh! I only have 3 kids and the youngest is now in full-day Kindergarten. I had the same idea that I would now suddenly be an awesome housewife and the dishes and laundry would be done and the house would look better. Yeah, none of that has happened. Apparently I am not very efficient.

  2. Thank you for writing this! I “only” have 5 kids & thought I’d get my shit together when #5 started full time school in Sept. NOT!! I’ve come to realize I may never get my shit together & that’s ok because these 5 kids took all my brain cells with them after birth!

  3. Omg! Thank you! Thank you for being honest and real.I am the one who wakes my kids up on “late start” days, because I forgot they could sleep in, when everyone else is posting pics of heart shaped pancakes they made to “celebrate having a family breakfast before school.” I call them my mommy fails. Thank you for sharing and supporting those of us not in the running for parent of the year.

  4. Susie, you’re a great Mom–everyone knows that. I love your writing–you say it all. However, it seems to me, and I know you earn income being the swim coach, but all your hassles stem from hauling everyone back and forth to swim practice, you don’t eat dinner, they forget stuff, you’re home late, don’t connect with someone, etc. I know you’re passionate about swimming, and it’s a great sport for kids (mine did it too), however, you’ve made a CHOICE. What if you cut out the swim practice? Heaven forbid!, but, what if everyone was home during that time–would you be happier? Would they be happier? Choices…

  5. Debbie Trauner

    Thank you for being so real! This is life and we need to stop trying to appear perfect,

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*